I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
