I skipped work to stalk him.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
