dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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