Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
