Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
