Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
