fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
