any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
