He is such a slut. More and more my type.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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