"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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