Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
