it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
