you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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