I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
