I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
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We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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