my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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