Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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