Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
