i just had sex bonerless
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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