You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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