well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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