yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
