woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
