I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
My feet surprised me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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