im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
