i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
