the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
