So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
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I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
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I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?