The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
