Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
