Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
