i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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