I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
ugly people sure do ruin things
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
