He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
