I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
