My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
