shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
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Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
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YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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