8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Randomize
