remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
