Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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