farters have to be the big spoon...
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
