I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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