ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
My liver just had a heart attack.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
