your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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