Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
