Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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