You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Randomize
