By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
