I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
