Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
