The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
