my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
