I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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