pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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